.....

Cant believe i just had the lousiest possible ending to the week.

Last weekend and the first few days of the week i was so stressed out, but eventually the things over which i had stressed seemed to be panning out fine, so i was beginning to feel kind of ok, despite tired days and sleepless nights. But tonight it all blew up again, bringing back memories of the worst nighmarish days of my childhood that im always trying to forget.

Maybe i should have expected it, given that i had my share of blame too - though my heart refuses to accept more than a little of the blame for the cause.
But all hell broke loose, and i lost control of myself too, shouting, swearing in retaliation.

It was one of those days when you have a blind rage of helplessness surging through you, which wants to make you hurt yourself as well as throw or destroy or hit something. Well atleast luckily i didnt do anything so bad... no  physical damage but for words.

Im always thinking im the one responsible for my happiness, and try not to let other things take me down... i have issues with my confidence and self esteem and it takes such a lot of effort to build it - and then there comes something like a stone thrown at a glass house and so many weeks and months of efforts go crashing down... just ending in a very messed up me all over again, in a flood of tears and guilt. Its going to be so difficult to pick up the pieces again, im just praying for every ounce of strength to get through the next week or so.

Maybe i do need an anti depressant .or anger management therapy. Or both. I dont know. My head hurts. I just want Sleep. This too shall pass - i hope.