Friday, 6 August 2010

a well-meaning word of advice to my male friends...

they say there is no free lunch - if that is the case for a single lunch, little needs to be said about the travails one has to undergo to sustain a relationship these days....

vagaries of an economy in recession, a volatile job market, inflation and such things don't make sustaining a relationship any easier... those of you men whose month ends see bank balances on the wane and credit card debts piling up like pounds on the midriff, have to console yourselves that guccis, pradas and manolos were not meant to adorn the woman in your life.

not all is lost though - the empathetic girlfriend knows that you deserve a fair chance, and expects that what you lack in terms of economy, you'll compensate with eloquence. some sweet nothings, a few flattering adjectives, and some mushy lines murmured in her ears ought to help heal that battered wallet. it is here, though, that men need to know that they are treading on dangerous ground - prada and gucci seldom go wrong, but a few foot-in-mouth phrases can make your love life go awry.

always remember that adjectives are your arch nemesis - they have the power to make or break - choose them carefully if you don't want the romantic evening you planned to end with a faint memory of you being clobbered by your beloved's high heels...

it is natural to look for some literary assistance, but choose your poet carefully. i would sincerely advice to stick with those conventional, old-school types - those guys who have, for time immemorial, stuck to comparing gals to warm sunshine, fresh breeze, full-moon or good old flowers like those trusted roses, had it safe. trust me, no black eyes or lumps on the forehead for them.

think twice (or as much as you want) before choosing one of these newfangled types who write songs with fancy words and unpronounceable phrases - you don't want to spend your next weekend watching some game show conducted by out of work actresses, do you ?... which is why you should really know it is not a good idea to compare your girl to a volcanic peak - it maybe the highest, tallest, or most sought after one by mountaineers, but the last thing a woman wants to hear from her man's mouth is that she is like a mountain. if you've done that blunder and uttered that drivel out of ill-advised inspiration, your only hope is to try and save face by turning those very same highest, tallest and most sought after as the positive aspects which you wanted to highlight - and pray that she is in a forgiving mood.

most women will forgive one or two blunders, considering that men are prone to making them - but rest assured that you'll not need your next can of shave foam(if you are the kind who believes that break-ups deserve a beard) if you have gone so far as to compare the love of your life to the ruins of an ancient civilisation - however glorious the ancient city might have been in its heyday. you might have displayed a stellar knowledge of history, but sorry, the only thing that seems imminent in your life is thunderclouds and being banished into that oblivion of single life.

and if you've been wondering all along what prompted my good heart to dole out such essential advice to my friends, it is the effect of hearing the lyrics of this latest offering from the altar of tamilnadu's most revered deity - (and i end with the warning that gods can get away with anything, but mortals cant - so don't try this at home, for god's sake.)

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