Tuesday, 13 April 2010

airline costs and advices to them...

i came across this piece of news recently - having imposed a fee on checked in baggage, airlines are obviously exploring avenues to combat their rising fuel costs, and atleast one of them seems to have stepped up to bell the cat by slapping a fee on carry-ons/cabin baggage as well...

since they have a million issues to think about everyday, i thought i might pitch in and do my bit for them, by thinking of areas where they can impose more fees & charges, and do their best to increase their sources of revenue...

well, as my dear fraulein maria would say, lets start at the very beginning, a very good place to start... when you sing you begin with do, re, mi... when you charge you begin with....

1. a signage fee - we always believe in making travel easier for our passengers, so we put up signs showing which gate your flight is boarding at - in return for this valuable service, we ofcourse charge a small fee to make our ends meet.

2. access charges - a nominal charge will be added to the fare for every passenger, depending on whether they wish to use the aerobridge or the stairs.

3. image damage cess - we believe that our image as a carrier depends on the baggage we carry - hence, passengers will be subject to a charge depending on the brand of luggage they carry....the more valuable the brand, the lesser the fee. we are pleased to announce that as of now our patrons carrying Louis Vuitton and Prada luggages are currently exempted from this cess. for more updates on which designer brands are added to our list of exempted brands, keep checking our website.

p.s : for those carrying 'unassessable' brands like 'burma bazaar' purchases, a flat fee of $150 will be applicable.

4. dress code damages - for the same image reason cited above, we strongly emphasise a black-tie and dinner jacket dress code for our patrons. those not conforming to our dress code shall be subject to a damage fee assessed at the time of boarding by our etiquette experts who shall be present at all gates.

5. courtesy charges - our cabin crew shall smile and/or greet only those passengers who have paid a courtesty charge beforehand. please retain your counterfoils/stubs of the same for verification by the cabin crew.

6. viewing fees - all windows will have the shutters lowered and fastened, and shall be opened only to those passengers who opt to pay a viewing fee.

7.restroom charges - for every visit you make, and an extra charge when a visit extends beyond 5 minutes.

8. nap levy - those passengers who choose to nap or sleep during the flight, are free to do so by paying a nap levy. this is intended as a courtesy to our cabin crew who, in order to effectively discharge their duties, have to resist the temptation to nap on seeing such passengers.

9.carousel charges - please note that our existing baggage charges cover only the cost of flying the bags, and if you want the luggage to be sent down to the conveyor belt/carousel, an extra carousel charge will apply. customers not opting for the said charge are free to stand below the aircraft and catch their luggage as it is being thrown on to the tarmac.

10. accuracy fee - those passengers who are privileged to receive their baggage at their destinations on time and without getting lost will be required to pay an accuracy fee before they can clear their baggages off the carousel/conveyor belt.

11. emergency charges - last but not the least, in case of an emergency, the charges for oxygen masks and life jackets supplied will be billed to the passenger's credit card or recovered by the airline from the deceased's estate - whichever is applicable, depending upon the gravity of the situation.

well, i have dashed off whatever came to my mind immediately, so feel free to add any that might occur to you in order that we may be of assistance to airlines the world over, who make our lives so much better each passing day.


  1. Good for the passengers that you are not working with airlines! Why did you choose CA? Shouldnt you have done an MBA and made lives difficult by getting to implement these ideas?

  2. Thank God you didn't join an airline. You'd have been the most hated woman on earth. Of course behenji, mamtadi and soniaG will compete.

    Here you go with my additions

    a) Long name fee: Names like yours are longer. Wastes Ink on the boarding card. Charge a tenner.

    b) Bald passengers dont get charged extra. Haired ones will shed and so will involve vacuuming efforts.

    c) Desperation factor: If you are desperate to get from one place to the other, then it means you have to pay a premium. I know you are thinking that we have no way of finding this out. Yes we can. Yes we can. President BHO has said too. Yes we can. We will chuck you out before the flight and how much you plead will ensure your seat and our premium.

    d) Just like that fee: If you are travelling on a Tues/Wed/Thur, it means you are travelling for not so essential reasons. Though its none of our business, it also means you dont have one. And to waste our time for such aspects requires extra effort and motivation from us.

    e) Statutory life safety fee: We never guarantee for the safety of your life. If you need guarantees, then we can for sure. Of course, for a fee.

    And if we dont keep our promise, we promise to refund this fee component. You may collect it from our counter.

  3. huh, sabs, prolly i should become a freelance idea-creation consultant :)
    (even this one sounds like a good idea !)

    finally,the man in the anon mask was dragged out when sabs wore his deerstalker i guess...
    actually the just like that fee might see the light of the day - i actually look for wed/thu tkts cos the fares are cheaper... (oops, i blurted that out.. !)

    and cant you give a discount for those passengers who still have their tresses intact but offer to wear a shower cap for the entire flight ? :)
    (if this one gets implemented, harsha bhogle will be the first one to curse himself :) )

  4. Together seating fee: Our general policy should be to seat (ensure) people in different seats. It reduces noise and murmur.

    If you have to be seated together, then might as well pay something extra. Only that I am still thinking whether the charging model should be linear or exponential. Exponential sounds attractive though.

    Anon with a face.



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